It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
