Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
