my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
