grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
