the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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