just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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