Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
