you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Randomize
