i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
