before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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