Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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