Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
