Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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