youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
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