I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
