Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
