Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
