Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
