I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
