You smell like a Billy Joel song
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
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