I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
