You just made me feel so damn special
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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