I just saw a hot homeless man
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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