so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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