2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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