I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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