how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
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