i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I need a burrito and a hug.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Randomize
