All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
