I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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