Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
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I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
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Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
last night I used snow as a chaser
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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