the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
