A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
