saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
