Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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