i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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