Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
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Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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