No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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