There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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