I molested 6 butterflies tonight
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
