i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
