I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
