thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
