you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
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