She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Randomize
