Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
