Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
