and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
