The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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