Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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