I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
