Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
