I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
