I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
