four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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