I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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