I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
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Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
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How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
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