I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
